Redeemed

On Tuesday I shared with my community group that I've been trying to find out how work fits into my life and what it means for me. I enjoy my job for the most part, and it is important that I do well, but work isn't everything.

It's so easy when I spend 40+ hours in one place to put my identity and my hopes, and maybe if not to that extreme, my daily comfort, self-worth, and happiness on my work, my performance, and on the opinions my colleagues have of me.

But thank God that He is faithful to me. I lose my way and I get distracted and forget that my life, every part of it, is meant to point to Jesus for people to see. Matthew 5:16 says, “let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” I know that Jesus was mainly talking about doing good deeds for others, but I think this includes doing good work in your job. In all things when we do good, we give glory to God.

Because I’m not perfect, I will fail to do that, and in those times He uses those parts of my life to point myself back to Him.

Last week I had to give a presentation to get approval for a change we're making on one of our products. I clearly didn't know what I was doing, even though these presentations are standard and common, which made me feel even more like a complete idiot. I was embarrassed and worried about the people who saw and reviewed it, knowing that they probably considered me as not up to par for someone at my level. For about a week my heart really struggled as I reminded myself that my self-worth isn't based on my work or on other people’s opinions. I know that is the truth, but because of my sin and my pride, it’s not easy to let it be true in my heart so that it defines how I respond to these situations.

Today I had to give another one of these presentations for a different project. It was a totally different story. I felt and spoke confidently, I definitely knew what I was doing, and I walked out of the room smiling inside. I could have easily just patted myself on the back and gone on to find confidence in myself at this job, but nope, God wants to show me more of who He is so that I put my confidence in Christ. Which, to be honest, is way better.

For about five minutes after the presentation, the word that stayed in my head was “redeemed.” I had bombed my first presentation, and had now redeemed myself with how I did on my second. I felt amazing and it was a slightly euphoric feeling, to know that even though I did horribly and embarrassed myself before, I showed myself and everyone in that room that maybe I’m not a sad excuse of an engineer after all.

And with this elated feeling, what God revealed to me is how great is the redemption that is the heart of God’s work in Christ. If I feel this great thinking that I was able to change someone’s low opinion of me (all assumed in my head, of course), how much greater is it that despite my sinfulness and ugliness in light of God’s perfect goodness, while I was still a sinner, Christ, who is perfect and beautiful, died for me to change God’s opinion of me. He redeemed me.

Even more so, not only am I thankful that in Christ God redeemed me, I am humbled because I could never redeem myself. At work, yes, I can redeem myself in front of my colleagues. I can do the job and put in the effort to show people that I am a decent engineer and not a waste of resources. But when God is the judge, nothing I can do or say will ever be good enough to change my status from sinner to saint. Only by the blood of Christ am I washed clean of my mistakes and sins from the past, and only by the righteous life that Jesus lived and credits to me am I able to stand before God as a saint.

spiritual discipline

Short update:

I've been in Louisville for a month now. Overall it's been pretty great. My church is great, my work is great, the people that I've met in both places are really great.

It's an interesting life to be working full-time, having my own place, basically being in complete control of everything I do on a day-to-day basis. I'm learning a lot about disciplining myself in basic responsibilities. Healthy eating, consistent exercise, time management, finance management, etc.

But my spiritual discipline seems to be lacking. It's something that I really want to develop and I'm praying that God teaches me how to chase after Him in every avenue of my life. My church has been going through a series on Rest. They've been talking a lot of resting in the Lord, and it's something that I'm going to try to implement. Daily rest (devotional time), weekly rest (Sabbath), monthly rest (day of reflection), and even annual rest (retreat from the world).

Please pray that my pursuit of God is and stays more important than anything else I do here in Louisville.

P.S. Wouldn't this be an awesome place to rest?

prayer

my prayer life used to be pretty nonexistent. partially because i guess i didn't really believe that things could change. partially because i didn't know the peace and joy God would grant through prayer. partially because my heart wasn't on the things that rest on God's heart.

but as the Lord has been moving in me the past couple months, i'm ashamed to see how much time i wasted that could have been spent on my knees interceding for the things of God, pleading with Him to move and do His will. i know that God choosing to move and work according to His perfect will while also listening to the prayers of His people doesn't make sense in my limited human logic.

but i know, without a doubt, that He does listen. and with a knowing, compassionate, and loving heart.

as i have been striving to work more for God's kingdom, i'm humbled as i continually realize how little power i have to change the people and situations around me. i've known it in my head for a long time, but it's very different when i see it with my heart. and that drives me even more to my knees.

so if you could join me for a moment to lift up a prayer that's heavy on my heart: more than anything, I'm praying that Jesus reveals Himself to my brothers. let's go before the Lord on our knees.

season of lent

In my most memorable season of Lent, I gave up playing the universal computer game called Minesweeper. There was a time in high school when I played it ALL THE TIME. I was so into it that I'd play late into the night and then start my homework. That year I often went to school with only a few hours of sleep each night. Eventually I started thinking about that game everywhere I went. I saw it in my head, I thought about it every free moment I had. Lame, I know. It's not a very exciting game, but once I understood the strategy and mouse tricks to get faster, I just kept wanting to cut down my record time. I'm proud (and also slightly embarrassed) to say that I beat the expert level in Minesweeper in 88 seconds. Thankfully, choosing to give up Minesweeper for Lent broke my obsession with the game.

If you haven't realized it yet, this week marks the beginning of the season of Lent. I'm sure most people, if not all, know about this season that starts with Ash Wednesday and ends with Easter Sunday. And during that forty-day period, someone usually asks me if I have chosen to give up anything.

My mindset regarding this season was always that I was supposed to give up something that had or was becoming an idol for me. Either it took up too much of my focus, time, and energy, or I thought it hindered me in serving God faithfully and wholeheartedly.

But I haven't had much success regarding Lent in most years (although with that statement you wonder what it means to have a "successful" Lenten season). Then a couple years ago I started wondering if maybe I was seeing this whole thing with the wrong perspective.

Yes, living for Christ means that I must deny myself certain things that are displeasing to God. It also means cutting back on things that may not in themselves be sinful, but become more important than God in my life.

But I started realizing that thinking only in this way was taking away from the purpose of the season (in my opinion, anyway). The main purpose of the Christian life isn't to follow God grudgingly, as if it's a chore, making Him out to be someone who takes the fun out of life. But the first question-and-answer of the Westminster Shorter Catechism says:

Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. To glorify God and enjoy Him forever!

If you look at the question, it distinctly says "end," not "ends." I'm starting to realize that in striving to live for Christ, the biggest part of that is that I am supposed to enjoy God, not to force myself to be a good person as if that alone makes me a Christian (good or not). As the catechism shows, my enjoyment of God is directly tied into glorifying Him. If I not enjoying Him, I'm not really glorifying Him fully either.

So my "resolution" for the Lent season this year isn't something that I need to take away from my life (which of course is also a necessity), but to put more of God into it, that I may enjoy Him all the more. Not sure how to make it a practical action, but I'll be thinking and praying about it until Wednesday. Feel free to add in your suggestions.

he's changing me

It's amazing what God has been doing in my life the past couple months.

I have called myself a Christian for years. I was born in the church (not literally) and believed that Jesus died for my sins. Although at the age of 5, how could I have really known what that meant when I didn't fully understand the depth of my sin? I finally saw Jesus as something more than a distant deity at the age of 14 at a summer retreat and subsequently spent the rest of my high school years serving as a leader in youth group. But did I do that because I loved Jesus, or more because I so desperately needed to belong to something, to be someone?

There have been a few points in my life where I really did consider walking away. And the thought always terrified me. What meaning could my life possibly have if it wasn't already defined for me? Make my own meaning? It seemed bleak when I had grown up believing that I had a purpose beyond myself designed by a perfect God. More significantly, I was afraid to determine my own path. I'm not perfect: what a burden it would be for me to determine my own purpose for my life. As an imperfect being, what if I failed? What if my purpose was flawed as I was? That would mean I failed at life. God was my safety net, to reassure me that no matter what I did or didn't do, I'd be fine.

Just to note: I'm saying all this in the knowledge that comes through hindsight. At those times when I considered walking away, the thought of rejecting God filled me with inexplicable fear. I didn't question it, I didn't understand it, but it caused my heart to tremble.

And so because of my fear to step away from what I knew and was comfortable with, I stayed. Unfortunately, I did not grow very much spiritually despite what I had experienced in high school and part of college. Some moments of clarity, blessing, and assurance; many seasons of spiritual drought. And I often convinced myself that I was a mature Christian because of my devotion to church, and because of my adherence to the obvious list of things I should or should not do.

But praise God that He works in me anyway and brings about a change that is not due to my own actions. I have never felt such a desire to know Him, to soak up His word, to fill my heart and my mind with the knowledge of Him. And I see that even though I didn't feel like I grew much in the last few years, I now know that He has been slowly but surely molding me to be like Christ even through my failures.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." [Hebrews 12:2, emphasis mine]

In this article on StuffChristiansLike, the author writes, "The actions that blossom from my relationship with God are completely different from the actions that start in my own desire to fix something." And I have seen that come true in the last two months. Not only has God been changing my heart and mind, he really is challenging and enabling me to follow through and act on the things He's pressing on my heart. And it's definitely not because of my principles telling me I have to or I should, but my soul saying that I want to, because I love Him.

Thank you, Lord. I have moments of fear here and there when I don't want to carry out your will because it might set me against the mainstream, or because I lose sight of my identity in You, but it's not my strength and ability that accomplishes Your work, it's You. Help me to surrender to all that You have willed for me. I know that even in my most difficult moments, I will find joy and peace in knowing and loving You.

in need of a savior

Unless you understand the depravity that is in humankind, in each human soul including your own, you will never understand your need for a savior.

It's easy to look at those who don't follow Jesus and apply that judgment onto them, or even to the "not-so-great Christians" that I see in the world. But so often I need to pray that God opens my eyes to see my own sins, to show me that I am also in that category of humankind instead of placing myself at a station above them.

Because when I am desensitized to my own brokenness and the fact that no matter what I do, I always fall short, I feel like I don't need God. Or I tell myself that I do, but I don't really understand what that means.

But when I am broken before the Lord and I'm aware of the ugliness that's in my soul, I can't help but be amazed and grateful for what He did: that He came and saved us while we were still sinners.

Someone might be willing to die for a good man. But no one wants to die for a wicked man. Crazy thing is, that's exactly what Christ did. [Romans 5:6-8] Unless I can see that I deserve hell just as much as that person who murders, steals, and destroys, I'll never begin to grasp how incredible and unbelievable it was that a Holy and Perfect God would die for someone so unworthy like me.

Lord, I'm praying that you help me to see who I am compared to you: "that [I am] more wicked than [I] ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than [I] ever dared hope." [Timothy Keller]

On a last note: If I can see that I am no better than anyone around me (because in the light of God's Holiness, we are all hopeless and stained by sin), my attitude toward all people will change. I am no better than anyone, only more aware (God's doing, not my own) of the grace that is poured out on us.

Here's my favorite song; it often reminds me of the truth:

Been lost, and now I am found.

It's been so wonderful how much God has been speaking to me the past few weeks. I didn't let a lot of people know, but I struggled really hard the last couple months I was in Kentucky.

Scratch that, I didn't even struggle. I simply gave up.

And I couldn't see how to come back to knowing and loving Jesus. And a very large part of me didn't even want to.

But thank the Lord that He never gives up on me. Took a couple weeks of reflection, sitting in the presence of God and His Word, and resting in the presence of people who love Jesus, to remind me of what I had been missing out on.

Been reminded of so many things, been challenged in so many ways. Most of all, I've realized that my walk with Christ has been sitting on Sunday School knowledge and youth group emotional comfort.

So Lord, I'm praying that day by day you continue to reveal Yourself to me that I may know You and fall in love with You more. Not simply through YouTube videos and well-written articles from other people found online, but through Your Word that reveals Your heart.

And to all my brothers and sisters in Christ on Facebook: Thank you so much for all that you post. You may not realize it, but through Facebook sometimes, I see that the church of Christ extends much farther than I realize. Those articles, YouTube videos, blog posts, and especially the Word of the Lord that you guys share have been feeding my soul on a regular basis.

love casting out fear

It's crazy when I think about how God's been trying to mold me in this short season of my life while here in Louisville. I know that I'm here for a reason, and I know that He really wants me learn and change and grow in so many different aspects of my life. I've been avoiding it a lot, especially when I see how it's already been two months and I think that I haven't changed much. But when I reflect on all that's going on, I can't deny that He's been working in me, slowly but surely.

I went camping this weekend with several co-ops from my work. Had a great time, got to meet a lot of people, go hiking, and ziplining, which makes for a great thrill ride. But I came back home realizing that for me it's not just a time to have fun, but for God to speak to me more about who I am, what I live for.

Because although I had a good time and the people were great, I never felt like I was one of the group. And if I'm really honest with myself, I have never truly felt like I belong anywhere, except with my family. I think if I wait long enough in any situation, then I convince myself that I do belong to this or that group. But the truth is that this feeling of always being a little on the outside is a sign that my real home is elsewhere. I need to embrace that truth so I am living for eternity and not for this lifetime. It's not easy, and my deepest desire is always to belong, to be part of the inner circle, to be wanted, to be loved. And so my natural inclination is to try harder to fit in wherever I am.

But I do know that whenever I strive to belong in this world, I come home never feeling fully satisfied. On the other hand, when I live and give my all for Christ, as painful as it is sometimes, I finally understand a bit of what Jesus meant when He said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

It's terrifying, some of the things that I see God wants me to do, especially when it calls for a lifestyle that the world doesn't understand, but I need to remember that I already belong. I am His beloved child, and He already loves me more than I could ever imagine to even hope for. And so I don't need to try to be accepted, and I can freely, without fear, follow His calling for me to give to and love others openly. Thank God that He faithfully works in me to be more like Christ; I can't take credit for any good that is in me or any change that happens in me. This song below came on the radio today, and I was so blessed and moved by it. It was an awesome crowning piece to all He was speaking to me about throughout the weekend and during worship service today at Sojourn. The chorus says "Whatever You're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace." Oh so true. Thank You Lord for all that You are, for loving an undeserving sinner like me, and for using me for something heavenly.

i am changed.

It's late, but I just wanted to write a note (mostly to myself) that I must continue to remind myself of the gospel. Going for weeks avoiding the life He calls me to results in a state of blah-ness. Then I come back to Him and I'm reminded of God's amazing, indescribably mind-blowing, love and grace. I realize that the life I've been living has been empty and gray, but in Him I have so much more than I often settle for. Thank you Lord for the freedom, joy, peace, love, and fullness of life that I have in You.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." [John 10:10]

Changes

Last night as I was blogging the previous entry, I initially started by saying "Here are a few updates:" and proceeded to write brief paragraphs about the random different thoughts I've had over the week. But then I realized that writing in that way doesn't really allow me to add details about the various things that are going on, so I'll try to update more often with more focus, while not trying to cover everything in one go. Hopefully this will spur me on to write more often and with more thought.

So for this post, I'm listing the things I want to accomplish while I'm here in Louisville (things that are unrelated to my walk with Jesus and my work at GE - I'll cover those things in different posts).

- Learn how to cook. I just finished lunch: grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup (which is also what I ate last night). I know it's disappointing, but I am really horrible in the kitchen. Hopefully having full control over the food that I buy and eat will challenge me to try making new dishes and at least gain some common sense in the kitchen that I severely lack. At least I found a Korean/Asian market nearby (I need to buy some chopsticks).

- On that note: eat healthier. I've decided that for the next four months, no soft drinks, no candy, no chips. Chocolate is the exception, but with the condition that I'm not allowed to buy any for myself more than once a month. If someone offers, then it's okay. Hopefully I won't always be offered fudge brownies or Hershey's Almond Kisses or chocolate chip cookies.

- I want to be wiser about how I'll use the money that I'll be making this semester. This past year I feel as though I did or spent however I liked without much thought or prayer, and as a result, my credit card debt is larger than I'd like. Especially when it comes to eating out. I want to eliminate eating out completely, but I know that's unreasonable, especially since food seems to be the one universal thing through which people develop relationships whether at church or at work. Praying that God will give me the wisdom to decide carefully on when and where to spend what He provides.

- Exercise. There isn't a BJJ gym close by unfortunately (sorry Teddy!), but I can't let that be my excuse for not keeping myself in shape. There is a fitness center at work in one of the main buildings that doesn't cost much at all, so I plan on joining. I really should go check it out tomorrow.

- Learn to dress better, more my age, and yes, more like a woman than a guy. I can't be surprised when people think I'm a scruffy 19-year-old if I'm always walking around wearing jeans and t-shirts. Work will help with that since I'm always dressing up. I have to get used to it sometime, right? No makeup though. Still want to avoid that as much as possible.

That's it on my list for now. Feel free to ask if I've been following these goals. =]

GE Week One

Work has certainly been an interesting change of pace. I'm not used to working 8-hour days, and I'm certainly not used to dressing up for work. I didn't dress up for anything when I was back in Chicago. But it's odd; business casual for my team ranges from dress shirt/slacks to polo shirt/khakis. I'll be wearing the former, and yet using power tools in the lab.

But work has also been really cool. I guess I expected to have people check up on me to see what I'm doing and how I'm spending my time, but it's not like that at all. I manage my own time and other than the team meetings I have to go to, I'm free to do whatever I'd like whenever. If I have nothing to do, I can wander off and go see what my friends are working on, or go see what happens in the other buildings. I can take 30 minutes out of my day to drive to the other side of the facility to pick up my new badge or my first paycheck, and nobody will care.

But they do also see me as a part of the team, and they want me to learn as much as I can. My boss and the engineers have said they'll help me to get whatever experience they can give me, and I know that it's work that still of importance to them. For example, they often outsource their CAD work because it's a waste to have one of our lead engineers working on that, but if it's something that I want to learn or practice, they'll give me the work instead. I'm excited to get started on some of these projects, and I want to be productive, someone who'll be of use to them, instead of a co-op student who'll cruise through the internship getting paid more than they're worth.

Other things:
- It's been cool to see how the stuff I learned in school are used practically in the design and production of basic things like home appliances. I find this stuff really interesting, which I guess confirms that mechanical engineering is for me, and that I would really like going into design.

- GE Appliance Park (which is where I work) is crazy huge. Our parking lot has traffic lights and the speed limit is 25 mph. We have our own zip code. Looking at Google Maps showed me it was big, but seeing with my own eyes was still a bit shocking.

- There's still an overwhelmingly unbalanced ratio of guys to girls in the engineering department, but that's not surprising at all.

Looking forward to my second week of work. Should be a lot more interesting than the first.

in louisville, finally.

So I'm in Louisville, KY for a co-op internship at GE Appliances.

It's been a while since I blogged, but I'll try to start again. Nothing big right now, I'm so tired, for reasons I'll explain in the next entry.

Until then, I want to share a song that I was really blessed by at church this Sunday. Hope your week is full of blessings and grace.

crazy week

It's been a really eventful week. Since I'm so extremely exhausted, I'll just list them here, then go knock out for the night in my bed with my awesome Korean heating blanket.

1. I started training in brazilian jiu-jitsu and muay thai at the New Breed Academy. All of it is totally new to me, but I don't mind because the atmosphere is awesome. No pretension, everyone's cool, laid back, and willing to teach and help. Despite the mat burns, bruises, chokeholds, and my own severe lack of physical strength, it's been fun. I get to have class with Teddy sometimes, and I was also gladly surprised to see an old high school friend there as well (Joe!!), although I have no hope of beating either of them.

2. I got to break in my new snowboard today (even though I bought it at the end of November..). Not only is it so nice not to have to use rentals (it was so smooth and comfortable), I also caught some air for the first time today! Without wiping out! The first time I jumped (although it probably wasn't more than an inch), the feeling of having nothing touching the bottom of my board was terrifying and thrilling; I couldn't wait to do it again. I'm hoping I'll be able to join some friends at Alpine in a couple weeks for another run.

3. Not only did I run into an old friend from high school at New Breed, I got to meet up with another long lost friend of mine that I haven't seen since she moved out of town after graduating from junior high. She's still the same sweet person I knew back when, and even better is that it didn't feel like ten years had passed between us. Glorya, we definitely need to get together more often!

4. I found out that I'd been accepted for the Newman Center Alternative Spring Break program! I heard about it briefly through a friend/coworker, and then got more information from the person who was in charge of organizing it all. I've always wanted to do an ASB program, but this one caught my eye (ear?) since it's organized through the Newman Center on campus and they have a spiritual perspective toward the service that we give on this trip. I'm really looking forward to this trip; I'm hoping God really uses this trip to not only bless me, but everyone I interact with that week.

And there were a few other little good things. What I must fight to remember is that God provides me with these gifts not so that I can enjoy them in and of themselves, but they are gifts from a God who loves me, and ultimately just wants me to love Him back. He delights in providing me with good things because He delights in me; he wants me to delight in Him as well.

sovereignty

Despite what I think I know intellectually about what it means to live for Christ, I know that a part of me keeps believing that as God opens my eyes more to what He sees, walking with Him gets easier. What a lie. Right after Jesus was baptized by John, the heavens opened with God's voice saying, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." [Matthew 3:16-17] What a magnificent moment it must have been for Jesus, to hear and feel the affirming love of his father in that moment.

What happened right after? "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil."

I can see how God's been teaching me a lot of things this year, and really changing the way I look at myself, the world, and most of all, Him. But as I see God working in me, I've only recently noticed that Satan's trying to drag me down in other areas of my life that I wasn't keeping an eye on. I feel that I should have been more on guard as I strive to follow him faithfully, but I wasn't.

And so I find myself frustrated, bitter, and ignoring God's commands about the little parts of my life while holding on steadfastly to the bigger things I feel called to do. The lie that I kept on believing was that since I was following God's will about the bigger, more obvious and visible parts of my life, I was doing just fine.

I never thought I'd be a bitter person. I get stubborn, hold grudges if I'm not careful, and I'll occasionally get unreasonably angry. But I was never bitter about anyone or anything until this year, and on certain days when I'm alone with my thoughts, this attitude overwhelms me and taints everything I see.

I keep wishing that things were different, that I could fix things up in a day. And I feel that the more I am bitter and disappointed, especially with other people, I find myself drawing further from God. I find that I'm relying on myself to fix these things that I'm not satisfied with. I find myself trying to think of the right things to say or do around these people so that they will see what they're doing wrong, and so that they will change.

But David in Psalm 5 starts by asking God to hear his prayer. "In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

I don't know the last time I did that. Go before God in the morning, before anything else in my day, and present those requests to God, waiting in expectation. It is with a solid trust that God knows what He's doing that David can say these things. These things that I wish to see changed aren't necessarily bad, I want people to know God more, I want them to live their lives in ways that are pleasing to God, but when I just think them in my head, and I'm not presenting them to God, I see that I don't have trust in God's sovereignty. I don't trust that God can and will do what's best, and I keep trying to take matters into my own hands. And then I have to question the motives for why I'm asking for God to move in the hearts of people: is it for their best interest, or is it because they don't fit my standards?

David goes on to say that he knows that God is not one who takes pleasure in evil, that these people that David is up against are wicked, their hearts filled with destruction.

And then David closes the psalm in a unexpected manner. If it was me, I'd probably end it with some talk of how I'd fix it, how I'd care of it. He first praises God for being righteous, knowing that God is perfect, that it will be taken care of, rightly, by God. And then he ends with the reminder that God blesses those who love Him.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
     let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
     that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;
     you surround them with your favour as with a shield.

And for me, I need to struggle to fight against the bitterness that keeps trying to taint how I follow Him. I'm praying that God gives me a heart of faith and trust like David's, which I know is what will keep my heart pure, so that every part of my life, visible or not, is pleasing to God, and can be used for His will.

a whisper in the wind

I know I've already failed to keep this up. And with each day that I decide to ignore the One who is supposed to be my everything, I am tempted to let it continue for another day. But mine is a God of mercy who waits for me to return, not with a pointed finger and angry judgment, but with loving and open arms.

And yesterday, after a couple weeks of a dry existence, my former pastor tweets: "Never rest on the laurels or the failures of yesterday. Today is a new day, and God's mercies are new this morning for you."

So I return. Maybe not with a huge emotional feeling of repentance, but almost a reluctant acknowledgment of the emptiness in my life. It is in a quiet moment, in an intentional decision to seek Him, that God speaks to me.

I've heard over and over again from many people that in difficult times in their lives, God spoke through the Psalms of the Old Testament. I never really understood why; even when I was a lonely college freshman in Boston I'd tried reading them, but it never felt like I was comforted or given peace.

But I know it's only because I've only ever looked at the surface. When you dig into His Word, it is a treasure waiting to be discovered, as I have found in Psalm 4.

I don't think I can share in words how He used these words to move me this morning. So I'll just close with this thought of David's that runs parallel with mine. Even as David is in distress, he is able to say:

You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

the reason I live

As King David is fleeing for his life, he says:

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side. (Psalm 3:5-6)

David knows that he has many enemies that are out for him, including his own son. Many people are saying that he will be found and killed, that God will not deliver him. Yet in this Psalm he still praises God and calls out to Him. Not in anger or bitterness, but with a trust that God's sovereign will is perfect and planned.

If I was hounded by "tens of thousands" who wanted me dead, I don't think I'd be able to say or do what David did in verse 5. He is unafraid! He goes to sleep, peacefully, and with complete trust in God, wakes up remembering and believing that God sustains every moment of his life. If he wakes up in the morning, it is only because of God's will that he does so. Because there must be a reason for why he wakes up day after day.

David wakes up with the thought that he is awake and alive because God has a purpose for him. Not just in the long run, as in "God's will for my life," but that there is a purpose to be lived out each day. How often do I wake up each morning believing that each day is an opportunity from God?

seeing mercy and love in the midst of God's wrath

I've got so many questions about this particular Psalm, but seeing as it's 10:00pm and I need to get some sleep for my exam tomorrow, I'll have to save those for later. They mostly revolve around my lack of understanding of the original text. I have to wonder, did the Bible in the original text really have the meaning and implications that is shown in English translations? You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but you can ask me about that later. Hopefully the rest of this blog is makes more sense..

Brief summary: Psalm 2 talks of kings of the earth who gather together to reject God, and God's subsequent response.

The tidbit from this Psalm that caught my eye is this: "Then he will speak to them in his wrath..." (v.5)

The question to ask is, why would God speak in His wrath rather than destroy or obliterate?

I see it as an indication of God's patience and mercy. If He is perfect, good, always right and just, not to mention omnipotent, then the natural result I would expect is that God would immediately punish and destroy those who reject Him.

But He is all loving and merciful too. How am I any different from those kings? On those days that I don't want to spend time with God, those days that I don't acknowledge His Presence in my life, I am choosing to reject God as my King. Yet He wants what is best for me, which I believe is to love and know God Himself. So instead of destroying me immediately for the sin that is in me, He waits for me to choose Him each day.

The thing is, sometimes His love for me, His desire to show me what's best for me, comes in a form that doesn't make sense to me, or in ways that I think show God's anger rather than His love. The second part of verse 5 says, "... and terrify them in his fury..." That is a blatant yet truthful statement of God works. I've grown up believing that if my life was all good and dandy, God was showing me loved me, and that He didn't if I was unhappy with anything in my life. But that is a lie that Satan will use to cause doubt in those times when I'm struggling. But the verse seems to say that God speaks in His wrath to terrify us back to Him. Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but I see it as God shouting to get my attention, to remind me of what's truth, and to bring me back to what's best.

Listening to someone talking on the radio this morning, I was reminded of it again, that God's perfect and loving will for me may not come in ways that I like. This person on the radio had called to share about how someone in her family had been sick for years. Still waiting for a miracle, she said that she still will trust in God's faithfulness, even if she doesn't understand the form in which God's faithfulness comes.

That's an immense kind of faith that I'd like to have. That I will trust God's unconditional love and faithfulness to me, even if by choosing to follow Him, He leads my life down roads I may not like.

Psalm 1

[Decided to do something a little different with my devotionals. I'll be going through the book of Psalms, mostly one chapter a day (maybe take a couple days for the really long ones) and to keep myself accountable I thought I'd briefly share my thoughts about them here.]

I memorized the first Psalm a few years ago, and through it I am always reminded of a true God-seeking heart. Verse 2 says, "But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day at night."

There are so many times in my life when I struggle to seek God daily simply because I don't find joy in it. I feel like it becomes a chore, and I trudge through the time I spend with Him, or more often than not, I choose to ignore Him that day or week or month.

But in this passage there are only two types of people. The man who is blessed, and one who is not.

The one who is blessed is the man who meditates on God's Word day and night. I can hardly say that I am that sort of person 99% of the time. But in that 1% of my life, when I am wholly devoted to God every moment of my day, I see how God works in me. I am filled with peace and joy and love, despite the circumstances in my life, and I see God using my imperfection to do His perfect will. And seeing this truth in my life, it is only a confirmation of verse 3: "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever He does prospers."

So I trust that when I am delighting in God's Word (delighting, not forcing myself into), He uses me as an instrument for His glory. Especially when I'm not seeing the results, but that's okay. It's enough that what I do pleases Him; the rest is up to Him.

it is better to love..

It's 11:40pm and I'm very tired, but I feel compelled to write this post, as I have had this thought for the past several days. I know that if I don't take the time to flesh out whatever seed of an idea is in my head, I'm missing out on the opportunity for God to bless me with whatever He wants to show me through that idea. Without a thoughtful response, the idea will fade and I will have forgotten about it a week or so afterwards.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Is that true? Maybe, maybe not. I would like to hope that it is, but I don't know what it's like to have lost someone that I loved so deeply to the point where I might question if it was worth it. A particularly good friend of mine passed away when she was just 20 years old more than three years ago. When I saw the pain that her mother suffered through, I wondered if she ever, even just for a moment, wished that her daughter had never lived so that she could be spared from the pain of having lost her.

But what I never thought of until now was that with this statement, there is an assumption: that loving someone was worth it because the person who loved received something in return.

It is a romantic notion, that one is better off now than before because they loved. You experience, you grow, you learn. But what about the other person? The one that was lost? I don't think the quote necessarily means the second person died. Maybe they left the relationship, or maybe it was a mutual agreement between both people that it was time to part ways. But the point I'm trying to make is that people who are willing to accept this quote probably do so with the premise that the person who loved has gained some benefit.

So I present to you an alternative statement: "It is better to love."

The first question that comes to my mind is, "Better for who?"

Taking a different track here, let me share what it means for me to love someone.

It means that I am opening myself up. Not just to have tender and caring emotions for someone, and not just to enjoy their company and presence.

Love for me means that I am opening myself up to pain and rejection. The love that I want to have for others is like that of Christ. He loved. And what did He get for it? Pain, rejection, and hell. Yes, He rose again. Yes, He conquered death and is seated at the right hand of God. Yes, He has been glorified and is now exalted as King. But He would have gotten that anyway. If He is King no matter what happens, ever, He doesn't need us, and He doesn't need to love.

But He chose to love anyway. If it is better to love, in this case, it was better for ME. Not for Christ.

So as difficult as it is, I ask God to teach me to love as He does. That He will give me a love for others that continues even when it causes me pain and heartache. Not because it's better for me, but because other people can be healed and moved and changed when they are loved unconditionally, as I have been by the perfect and amazing love of Christ. I want the conviction that the potential (and probably eventual) pain and rejection that comes with loving others more than loving myself is worth it. Worth it for someone else. And I would hope that the love they see in me, imperfect as it is, would show them a glimpse of the love of Jesus, which I believe is better than life itself. I am staking my life on that.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Oh, How Wonderful It Is To Be Loved By You

I often feel like my walk with Christ is constantly on a roller coaster track with its crazy ups and downs. You'd think that this would have changed over the past nine years, since I first decided that Christ needed to be more than just my Savior, but the Lord of my life as well.

In some ways, I know I've changed. Maybe not in ways that I expected, and unfortunately, maybe not even to a degree that anyone else would have noticed. But I know I've grown, especially in the way that I see or think about God, myself, others, and life in general. And not even by my own doing, but purely by God working in me.

In other ways, not so much. Life during high school seemed to center around those emotional highs and lows that happen due to those bi-annual youth group retreats, making me question my faith over and over again. I always hoped that my faith and love for God would eventually become one that is steady, constant, and committed, not fluctuating in what could easily be explained away by getting caught up in the hype or temporary infatuation.

I don't know if I'm still as I was in high school. Maybe I'm not as blind as before or following with a herd mentality, but at times I still have those same fluctuating reactions. Some days I'm all for God, other days I don't want to acknowledge Him. But a part of me can't let go of the fact that even though those emotional moments always fade away, they're not fake. I can't dismiss those moments in my life where I felt the humbling and loving presence of God, even though I know others will by saying that they're just emotional highs, that they're just feelings you make up in your own mind.

Even now, I am occasionally blown away by the unconditional love and grace that He showers on me, especially at random points in my day. And I'm grateful for those moments. God never wanted my devotion to Him to center around duty, theological belief, or even for something like wanting to avoid hell and go to heaven. That's never going to be enough for me, and I'd eventually give up on God.

So during those periods in my life where I don't want to live this life anymore, God brings me back to Him. Not by threats of punishment, not by guilt over my sin. But by reminding me of how much He loves me. If you ask why I choose to follow God, I can try to give you a bunch of reasons that might satisfy you. But at the heart of it, He loves me like no other. Oh God, how wonderful it is to be loved by You.

I hope you are blessed by this song, as I have been the past few weeks: