I often feel like my walk with Christ is constantly on a roller coaster track with its crazy ups and downs. You'd think that this would have changed over the past nine years, since I first decided that Christ needed to be more than just my Savior, but the Lord of my life as well.
In some ways, I know I've changed. Maybe not in ways that I expected, and unfortunately, maybe not even to a degree that anyone else would have noticed. But I know I've grown, especially in the way that I see or think about God, myself, others, and life in general. And not even by my own doing, but purely by God working in me.
In other ways, not so much. Life during high school seemed to center around those emotional highs and lows that happen due to those bi-annual youth group retreats, making me question my faith over and over again. I always hoped that my faith and love for God would eventually become one that is steady, constant, and committed, not fluctuating in what could easily be explained away by getting caught up in the hype or temporary infatuation.
I don't know if I'm still as I was in high school. Maybe I'm not as blind as before or following with a herd mentality, but at times I still have those same fluctuating reactions. Some days I'm all for God, other days I don't want to acknowledge Him. But a part of me can't let go of the fact that even though those emotional moments always fade away, they're not fake. I can't dismiss those moments in my life where I felt the humbling and loving presence of God, even though I know others will by saying that they're just emotional highs, that they're just feelings you make up in your own mind.
Even now, I am occasionally blown away by the unconditional love and grace that He showers on me, especially at random points in my day. And I'm grateful for those moments. God never wanted my devotion to Him to center around duty, theological belief, or even for something like wanting to avoid hell and go to heaven. That's never going to be enough for me, and I'd eventually give up on God.
So during those periods in my life where I don't want to live this life anymore, God brings me back to Him. Not by threats of punishment, not by guilt over my sin. But by reminding me of how much He loves me. If you ask why I choose to follow God, I can try to give you a bunch of reasons that might satisfy you. But at the heart of it, He loves me like no other. Oh God, how wonderful it is to be loved by You.
I hope you are blessed by this song, as I have been the past few weeks: